That Dirty 4 Letter Word... FEAR!9/30/2013 Yes, we are all guilty of uttering this word on occasion. Feeling it melt through your courage turning you into a pile of goo – immobilizing your body with its sheer magnitude. Your heart beating out of your chest with anxiety. Watching it devour our self esteem and our sanity pummelling us into a place of desperation or complete stand still. Blocking our positive thoughts eating them up faster than we can spit them out. Counter attacking with thoughts of the ego and of fear itself, spiraling you deeper into the pit of your stomach where you are not sure if you want to scream or throw up! Familiar place for you? I know it is for me. There was a time after my separation when fear ruled my being so strongly I was unsure if I would ever be free from its grasp. Petrified of the changes that were occurring in my life. Feeling fear taking over my body allowing it to do things my usual sane self would not allow. Stupid acts of insanity born from a place of desperation and fear, which usually cause more harm than good. The moment of sadness or anger when I realize I fell victim once again to fears power. But I broke free and so can you because living life from a place of fear is not living at all. This was a hard lesson. In daily life I functioned – that is the best word I have for the way I felt in the weeks after my husband left. I pretended to be a happy for my children’s sake, but on the inside I found myself obsessing over what was happening and how I could fix it, never realizing I had little control over what I wanted to change. In fact, I had no control at all. I could not force my ex husband to return to his duties in our family. Acceptance of a new normal was the only choice. This was the moment in my life when my counselor drilled deep into my being the serenity prayer.  I must have uttered these words a million times in my head and out loud as I went through my day. Determining control or not over each thought. Slowly letting go of my insane thinking and those things I had no control over. I started to focus on what I did control. What I could change and did. No overnight project, but months of hard work. I saw the moments fear took the lead leaving me feeling empty and defeated blocking what I wanted most – happiness. Versus moments I was in full control, standing strong in my power, feeling radiant and divine. Learning how to sneak in a left jab against fear, knocking it out. On occasion taking a hit, but mostly giving it. Reaching out to my support system, keeping me in this place of peace. I am grateful for friends who offered words of wisdom, energy healing, support and most of all hugs! With them this journey was much more fun! So I challenge you to live your life fully. Let happiness take the lead. Need help? Reach out for help. Start with being invested in your healing process and in letting go of fear…I can help. I did it. So can you! 
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Today I am sharing some of my story … Six weeks postpartum I awoke at 4am shaking and sick. Four days later, it was decided this was more than just the flu and a visit to the Urgent Care was made. After spending a good part of the day, 3 bags of IV fluids, potassium pills and an ultrasound, I was sent home with instructions that if the pain and fever did not cease I should come back. 2 days later, that is what I did. Much worse this time with severe pain through my entire body, a high fever and shortness of breath. |
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